JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER: Hilariously Blasphemous

Question number one: As a Christian, should I have watched a film titled Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter?

Question number two: Should I write a review of such a… remarkable film?

Question number three: Is smoking cigarettes harmful?

Only the last question can be answered without a moment’s hesitation: yes. As for the first two, I leave them to your judgment, dear Reader, and quite possibly fellow Christian as well. We have not gathered here today, however, to deliberate over my to write or not to write, but to consider your to read or not to read. For if I am doing wrong by watching Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter and writing about it, then you, dear Reader, become something of an accomplice, since you are reading this very text.

You can still withdraw and stop reading at this point, but if you do, you will not find out what kind of film Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter actually is—right? If, however, you happen to belong to some orthodox religious organisation, ignorance will not stop you from boycotting the site hosting this review anyway.

Dear Reader, if you felt offended by the above introduction, I sincerely apologize and will allow myself to continue writing, for after all I am an amateur film critic by passion, and it is more or less my duty to review a film.

And there is no denying that Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is a film, so I may write about it without fearing, I suppose, that a bolt of lightning will strike me from a clear sky as punishment, or that the blade of orthodox Christian circles will come down on me—circles that are capable of painting over the poster for The People vs. Larry Flynt, planting a bomb in a Parisian cinema showing The Last Temptation of Christ, or tossing tear gas into a Warsaw cinema in order to provoke greater emotion among viewers watching Bad Education.

Allow me, then, to proceed to the review of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, unafraid of repression and persecution, for it is not easy to type on a keyboard with hands trembling in fear.

Coming to the crux of the matter, the first thing I must write about Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is that it is… amusing (and already thunderbolts, bombs, and tear gas rain down upon me—but I keep writing!). In the year of our Lord 2001, Jesus Christ returns to Earth, though this time not to save the world anew, but for the prosaic purpose of defending us, the faithful, from attacks by, among others, lesbians turned into vampire women.

The first confrontation takes place on a beach, where Jesus fights hand-to-hand with two diaboliques, and after one of the blows he quickly gets up, pounds his fists against his chest, and says with confidence: The Body of Christ!—I truly did not know whether to laugh or not, but my sense of humor won out, and I allowed myself to be drawn into the twisted, somewhat blasphemous and, let us be honest, simply stupid convention of the film.

Soon afterward, Jesus goes to a hairdresser (where he shortens his hair) and to a piercing studio (where he pierces his ears and puts in earrings) in order to adapt his appearance to the society of A.D. 2001. He also meets with a priest, who gives him the money from the collection plate, saying: Take it, it’s yours anyway. Jesus uses this money to buy wood for carving stakes with which he intends to fight the titular vampires.

Before that happens, however, the cinematic Christ must still engage in a deadly battle with… an army of Atheists. And this turns into a display of backyard karate set to techno, or perhaps light trance music—at once all of this is funny (because it is irresistibly funny) and sinful (because I must admit that I did have pangs of conscience while watching).

The film can be approached in two ways: either you pick up on the convention and do not worry about the fact that the creators made a religious icon their main character, or you do not watch the film at all, judging solely by the title.

I chose the first option, because I had to find out what this film actually is. I will say bluntly that I do not consider the time spent with Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter wasted, and the creators did not go too far—God forbid there are any bed scenes involving the cinematic Jesus, nor are there jokes about religion itself, although the director and actors do occasionally really step on the gas—see the fitting-room scene and Jesus intending to buy a very telling T-shirt.

Setting aside such scenes—balancing on the edge of good Christian taste—the rest consists only of silly hand-to-hand fights, funny dialogue, somewhat tacky and clumsy execution (reminiscent in style and in its bloody, at times macabre convention of Peter Jackson’s Bad Taste), and a bit of dynamic, catchy music. I do not consider the whole to be a blasphemous film… though, admittedly, it is not that far from it.

I was nevertheless able to watch Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter with a clear conscience, telling myself that if we were created in the likeness of the Almighty and we humans possess a sense of humor, then He must possess one as well and will not be angry with me for watching such a film. Besides, those who should be more afraid are the people who made this unusual film—and as far as I know, they are still alive. With that thought, I leave you, dear Readers, and go close the window, because it is starting to get cloudy…