BLOOD DINER. Not Recommended for the Faint-Hearted

“All mutilations, dismemberments, and cannibalistic rituals were performed by trained professionals. Do not attempt this at home. Thank you.” That’s how Jackie Kong warns us before the screening of Blood Diner. She also makes it clear that the film does not, in any way, promote murder or occultism, and suggests that viewers with weak nerves leave the theater. I’ll add this: if you can’t stand overacting, you shouldn’t watch this film. If rubber limbs and truly terrible special effects annoy you, you shouldn’t watch this film. If you think group vomiting, topless aerobics, and an Aryan wrestler named Jimmy Hitler are over the top, you definitely shouldn’t watch Blood Diner. But if you think this all sounds so bad it’s good – then you’re in for a good time.

In the prologue, two brothers receive ancient amulets of the goddess Sheetar from their mentally unstable uncle Anwar (Drew Godderis), along with strict instructions to study her cult diligently. Moments later, Anwar is shot by the police. Twenty years later, the brothers, George (Carl Crew) and Michael (Rick Burks) Tutman, run a popular vegetarian diner. Thanks to a book on black magic, they manage to resurrect Anwar’s brain and eyes, which they now keep in a jar of formaldehyde. Following their uncle’s instructions, they begin preparations to resurrect the goddess Sheetar. To perform the ritual, they need to build a body for her using parts from various women, prepare a bloody buffet of human flesh, and feed it to a crowd of people. As the cherry on top, a virgin must be sacrificed for Sheetar to devour upon awakening. Sounds strange? Not to the Tutman brothers, who eagerly start collecting limbs and organs in the kitchen – all while continuing to serve vegetarian dishes.

As macabre as it all sounds, the film is delightfully goofy and hilariously clumsy. As if the plot itself weren’t absurd enough, the acting is outrageously over-the-top. Every role and every line of dialogue is… too much. For example: Shepard (Roger Dauer), the detective on the brothers’ trail, is a stereotypical sleazeball and ladies’ man. So when he meets his new partner (LaNette La France), his eyebrows start moving like waves on the Danube, and his tongue twists in every direction like it’s trying to detach from his body. Paired with garish shirts and bargain-bin macho behavior, it’s like watching a parody performed under the influence of very strong mushroom tea. And that’s just a side character. As for the Tutman brothers, they each have one defining trait: George acts like an ADHD-addled idiot, and Michael can hypnotize people with his stare. Now picture that combo in action – George constantly bouncing, giggling, or yelling at the TV, while Michael stares so intensely that if his cranial muscles were stronger, his eyeballs would shoot out of his head.

We’ve got a ridiculous plot and acting on amphetamines. Am I forgetting anything? Oh, right – the delights, of which Blood Diner has many, each more ridiculous than the last. I mentioned the talking brain with eyeballs in a jar, but I didn’t yet get into the subplot involving a Nazi wrestler named Jimmy Hitler. George is a big fan of watching him in MMA matches, where Hitler really shines. Eventually, the two face off in the ring. I won’t spoil the outcome, but even if you knew it, you still wouldn’t understand why a wrestler has that name. All it really does is highlight how terrible the combo of platinum blonde hair and a tiny black mustache looks. Likewise, you’ll never guess the purpose of the subplot featuring a rival vegetarian restaurant run by a ventriloquist who mostly “talks” to a dummy sitting behind the counter. Thankfully, Blood Diner isn’t a film that invites deep reflection – it’s a horror comedy soaked in gore and vulgarity. To all fans of the genre, bon appétit.