JIU JITSU. Nicolas Cage like a Lego figure

Let’s get this over with. I hope none of you were under any illusion that what the trailers for Jiu Jitsu suggested could result in a successful production. I want to start by dispelling any doubts. The new movie, branded with Nicolas Cage’s name, is a mess made from strange, stale, and suspicious ingredients. And that should really suffice as a review of this work because just as it’s not worth watching, it’s even less worth wasting words of criticism on it. But if you’re really curious about the nature of the failure, crafted under the supervision of Dimitri Logothetis, let me share my thoughts.

The embarrassment first strikes from the plot, an absurd hybrid of science fiction, fantasy, martial arts, and the overused “zero to hero” motif. It’s worth mentioning that the references to comic book style are not accidental, as Jiu Jitsu is a sort of adaptation of an earlier comic book by the same name, published in 2017 (and equally unsuccessful). The movie’s protagonist is Jake, a muscular and athletic jiu-jitsu master who, due to amnesia, is clueless about what’s happening around him and the trouble he’s in. It turns out he’s destined to join a group of strongmen tasked with opposing alien invaders who visit Earth every six years for a hunt. The time to repel the attack has come, and of course, it’s up to Jake to save the day.

There’s an unwritten rule in martial arts cinema that I hold dear: no matter how stupid, over-the-top, or pretextual the story may be, the film can redeem itself if it features well-choreographed and exciting fight scenes. After all, the essence of cinematic brawls is not to pat the viewer on the back with the truth of the drama depicted but to create situations where the heroes impressively beat each other up. What benefits do we, the viewers, gain from such a festival of violence? I think it’s a lesson that to defeat evil, one must possess the right skills, supported by learning, humility, and courage. And simply put, it’s a nice, cathartic feeling when the hero, on our behalf, to our delight, kicks the butts of those who deserve it.

Jiu Jitsu fails right from the start. The narrative, carried out with full seriousness, supported by incessant music, revealing the story’s layers, becomes increasingly idiotic with each passing scene. The design of the cosmic hunters best captures the image of despair; instead of invoking fear, they provoke empty laughter, with their appearance and movements reminiscent of the minions from Power Rangers. The most embarrassing part is that their modus operandi was supposed to reference a classic – Predator. However, this is a nod that brings no pride to anyone. The fight scenes that were supposed to salvage the situation look extraordinarily clunky – stiff, uninspired, and lifeless. It’s particularly strange considering that those responsible for the combat choreography had done well before. Tony Jaa, known from Ong-Bak, raised hopes of showcasing his explosive mix of fighting styles again. Similarly, Alain Moussi, known from the new Kickboxer, was expected to not only look good but also convincingly fend off attacks, making us believe the scenes were unplanned. Yet, somewhere along the way, the fight choreographer must have dozed off, because watching the battles in Jiu Jitsu, it feels like the characters are merely following a rehearsed routine. Opponents drop like flies, indifferent to whether the blow actually hit them or missed entirely. Meanwhile, the fights with the main antagonists are oddly paced – artificially prolonged, lacking tension.

This film, shot entirely in Cyprus, must have been a tempting proposition for some cast members as an opportunity for a warm vacation and easy money in exchange for promoting the film with their faces. I don’t know how else to explain the involvement of someone like Frank Grillo, whose character practically doesn’t exist in the movie. His Harrigan is a walking piece of cardboard, flexing muscles in just a few scenes, only to (spoiler) meet an abrupt and rather unworthy end. A separate issue is Nicolas Cage, whose affair with B-grade cinema at that point was surprise to no one. An actor who had been struggling with financial problems for years, Cage seized any opportunity to earn a buck. Although he no longer resembled his former self, he occasionally still surprised with something positive – like his roles in Mandy or Joe. However, his role in Jiu Jitsu was yet another one of those belonging to his collection of crazy outlandish performances. Here, he also awkwardly tries to channel the cult persona of Dennis Hopper from Apocalypse Now, only to descend into ridiculousness.

But perhaps the most embarrassing thing about Nick Cage is that he dared to pretend he knew anything about jiu-jitsu and that he was competent in it. The scene where he “sniffs out” Jake through a harmless exchange of blows is one of those moments that make you want to turn off the film. The man couldn’t even properly hold the katana he was given. I’m afraid that Master Wu, the Lego character from Ninjago, is better at this. In distant shots, Cage had to be constantly replaced by a double to hide his lack of skill. And the final fight of the actor, as well as the subsequent one that concludes the film, are experiences so painfully compromising, so artificial, so pretentious that even Uwe Boll himself would be ashamed. Just like the entire film. And just as Cage pretends to know how to fight, Logothetis pretends to know how to direct these stunts.

So, want to have a laugh? I invite you to watch Jiu Jitsu.